God's will. My will. HIS will. My will.
I can say, "not my will, but thine be done, Lord." I can say it with the best of them. I've said it most my life but what about living it?
I haven't lived His will. I've lived mine. I've stumbled ahead of God, thinking I knew better than He, what lay ahead.
I was reading in Ezekiel and these verses spoke loud and clear.
"And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit, I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people and I will be their God. But as for those whose heart goes after their detestable things and their abominations, I will bring their deeds upon their own heads, declares the Lord God."
Ezekiel 11: 19-21
As I read the verses I knew that I wanted a heart of flesh, not one of stone. I asked God to replace my stone heart with one that is soft and alive. But I couldn't know just how soon He wanted to do that.
And oh, it hurts.
I've had a heart of stone, because then you don't hurt. You don't feel just how broken, messed-up and torn you are. The shards of yourself don't cut so deep when you're stone.
But when you're stone, you're not clay in the potter's hands.
When you're stone that doesn't feel, you're not living. You're just trying to survive on your own.
God has started cutting out that stone in me, replacing it with a warm, pulsing, living, moldable, hurting heart of flesh.
I'm bowed with grief over my hard heart. I'm terrified by my weaknesses. I'm terrified when I think about living surrendered and vulnerable to God's will that I can never see completely. My self wants to stay here, where it's safe with a stone heart that doesn't hurt. In my mind, I come up with all these good reasons to stay right here with stone inside me.
God will have to do this. He'll have to do it ALL.
And maybe that's why He's calling me to this loving, hurting, vulnerable, living with a soft, flesh heart inside. Because He knows I can't do it on my own. He's made me know that I can't do it on my own.
When I live stone-hearted and stubborn, I don't want God's will for my life.
I need God to give me the flesh heart that desires HIM and HIS WILL.
With HIS grace I will start fresh and new. I will live daily with a beating, flesh heart. I will be vulnerable and weak and afraid. But I will bind myself to CHRIST.
And then I can say; I can began to live:
HIS will. NOT, my will.
HIS will be done. HIS. My Savior who knows all. His will be done in me; through me. For His glory.